i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
