She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
