So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Such a big mess for such a small penis
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
