my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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