the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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