i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
did i just pee glitter
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
