I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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