I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
