so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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