Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
In other news, I just burned my penis
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
