It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
