Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
