Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
