I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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