yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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