...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
