just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
