they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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