$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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