And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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