Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Success! We fucked roommates!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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