There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
