I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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