do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
