My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
