he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
