Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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