The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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