thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
