getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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