if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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