Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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