Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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