I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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