you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
