i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize