There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
