tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
