you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She's the barista slut.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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