He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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