i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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