You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I wish there were birth control emojis
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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