yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
