He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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