Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize