so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize