I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
