Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
