How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
