apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
