You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
