shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize