Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
