"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
