Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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