JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
