I wish my penis had an off switch
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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