Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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