Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
now i know why i became what i already was.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize