I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
