Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
