Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
