Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
