why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
