i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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