Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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