I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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