I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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