babies were throwing up all over the place
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
