I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
