grandma shit on top of the toilet
it glows. i had to have it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I woke up under a house in Key West
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